Part 3 - In My Darkest Hours

Years of finding myself overhearing or unintentionally observing things from multiple pastors and church leaders had dulled my desire to attend any church services or activities. I was learning things, not only about the churches that I had attended but also about multiple neighborhood churches. GOD just kept giving me information after information. I'm not taking about gossip, I am talking about true verifiable issues with hypocrisy, hearesy and abuse both mental and physical. Then in 2007 there was a knock at my door. My friend C, whom I hadn't seen in years, was at my house, knocking on my door. I will not disclose what the situation was, nor who was involved, but my old friend C, a Deacon under Pastor P at CSBC immediately a wrathful rant at me about this situation which he blamed on me. I, of course had absolutely nothing to do with the situation, nor did it take place iny home. Nevertheless, here was C, raging at me, wanting to put me under church discipline. I kept trying to explain to him how I was in no way responsible but he was not listening. I then tried explaining to him how I could not be put under his church discipline because I was not a member of CSBC and I hadn't been for years. This tidbit just made him angrier. So I stood there in the doorway for several minutes as C raged frantically. I was wondering and praying, what to do to get C to just stop and leave. Suddenly a loud voice silenced him. I did not realize I had spoken, with a firm tone words came out of me. The words stunned both of us, it was as if GOD had moved my spirit to say this one short phrase, and to say it with authority in my voice. For the first time in his ranting and raging C finally locked eyes with me. After the words were said all I could do was stand there, steadfastly and stare intensely at him to let the words linger in our ears. The phrase was " In five years your church will be no more." C was stunned, I was confused, what caused those words. After a short stare down I simply closed the door. A few weeks later my innocence in the matter was verified by parties fully involved in the situation.

Five years slipped by and my spiral into the darkness of depression and despair tore me away from not just church attendance but also my studies. I learned from a family member that my prediction had come true. Pastor P caused a rift within CSBC and chose to leave. However he quickly established himself at a new building in a different town and he took the majority of the CSBC congregation with him. The strange thing is, he took all rights to the name of CSBC with him as well. Pastor P took my friend C, the congregation and the very name of the church with him almost exactly five years to the date from when those words proceed from my mouth. Unfortunately I did not see it as the supernatural work of GOD using me, all I saw was more pastors and church leaders all about the power and money instead of teaching about the love of GOD. I gave up on GOD.

I had gone from 275 pounds to a whopping 450 pounds. I did nothing but sit around the house hating everything, everybody and myself. I was prescribed strong pain medicine for my back and knees to which I became addicted. I began to attempting to end it by overdose. Over several years I had been admitted to the Mental Health Unit of our local hospital. When not there my research switch to psychology. By the last time I visited the Mental Health Unit I was pretty much able to do the doctor's and social worker's jobs for them during group meetings. It was during this time I was properly diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, OCD and of course anxiety and depression. Then around the end of 2017, I made one last attempt to end it. I woke up in the ICU. I overheard one of the nurses say "We almost lost him this time." I began to cry, not over what I heard, not over the situation, I was crying because I failed to end it. 

You always hear stories about people that hear the voice of GOD, some of them from actually insane people however there are those few that GOD actually will speak to in their time of greatest need. As I lay there in the ICU after awhile, not really thinking about anything, drifting in and out of consciousness, I heard a voice. It was not audible, I want to say it was in my head but I could feel this voice reverberate throughout my entire body, right down into my soul. The voice was stern but loving, there was and anger as well as a sadness in its tone. But the words were like a sobering slap to my face. "It was not Me that failed you, it was the church." My eyes shot open, all tiredness disappeared. My spirit ached and my heart broke. I made things right with GOD right then and there. As soon as I was able to leave the hospital I began to make things right with my family. As for the pain medicine, I stopped cold turkey. Disposed of what remained of the pills and began my recovery. Recovery for my body, my soul and my spirit. I pulled out all my boxes of old notes, study guides and books and recommitted myself to GOD and restarted my studies. I was glad that GOD was not done with me